miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
