ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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