I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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