I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
