just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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