I wannas sexs uuuuu
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
