there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
