walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
