um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
