Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
