Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
