Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
