I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
