This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
