I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
