so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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