I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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