i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
