I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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