shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
