is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
