4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
