I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
