I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
