your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
