you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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