it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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