The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
