capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
