My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
