I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
