She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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