Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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