I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
