Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
