so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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