someone owes me an orgasm
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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