Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
