i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
