She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
