My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
