I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
