Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
