the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
