She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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