I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
