God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
