You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
