I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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