i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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