the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
